Passions - Breadth or Depth?

I took a weekend trip to the sea,  about an hour Southeast of where I reside currently in Nicosia, Cyprus. Conscious of my own overwhelm, Ayia Napa seemed like the perfect escape.

Feeling torn between vices, my limits have been stretched thin, a perceived failure to accomplish. Sipping a dirty, ostentatious cocktail of excellence pursuit in work, fitness, art, renovation, and language study - garnished with an ever-present distraction of doom scrolling.

Overextending feels akin to stagnancy in every subject. Time and energy as a weakness, limiting the ability to invest full effort in anything. Unable to progress in desired pace - but what is progress? Of course there is an obvious answer - project completion, reaping fitness results, fluency improving, but what about the non measurables? What is the tool to measure internal growth and fulfillment? 

In a world clinging to outward expressions of proof, concrete evidence of ‘success’, these deeper questions trouble me. As I sat atop a mountain by the sea, feeling utterly dramatic and romanticizing my own protagonist nature, something dawned upon me. 

I considered the reason overwhelm constantly rushes me. Aside from taking on far too many tasks than a person can physically complete in a 24-hour cycle, I reflected on the real reason why I, or anyone else, feels burdened by life . The shadow of internal disappointment -  fear of being anything other than excellent? Delving further into that thought, I will draw the curtains, revealing a window to my brain:

Why do I want success?

A laughable question but arguably unreachable unless defined. I certainly desire (alike many others I’d assume) to be seen as special or unique, claiming expertise over a subject-matter. I yearn for prodigy-status and have no shame in stating it. Ambition for success has been conditioned in us, appearing as the answer to fulfillment. Although this is so clearly unreachable, the desire lingers. 

Fulfillment

I believe true fulfillment stems from purpose and growth rather than results. This being said, results are a natural consequence of the former. Its a beauty that even a pea brain like myself can recognize that chasing unreachable prowess is futile. I jestingly express this sentiment, but in truth, this exposure allows for a shift toward authenticity. Exposing weakness allows for reparation. 

I desire excellence for elevation, but find fulfillment in activities themselves, empowering passion relevance. The passion loses luster when results are foremost focus.

“Jack of all trades, master of none”

This figure of speech burns through my mind when pondering the numerous passions I entertain. The fear of averageness will occasionally lunge forward, followed by a quick account of the reasoning:

Prioritize fulfillment in actions over outcomes

We require subject-matter experts, but who limits the quantity or timeline which one can hold a title? It may take a lifetime to accomplish, but limiting to one passion for sole identity in achieving excellence feels like shooting blanks, a drained waterpark, or vehicle without an engine.

I write from my own conflictions with breadth v. depth, as it relates to my view of success, and the weight of consequence in terminating pursuit of many passions for perceived greatness. I believe to know the answer for my own life, and I challenge you to consider the same for yours.

Thank you for reading. I aim for thought provocation and a space to consider. We are malleable, even in our deepest held opinions. I appreciate your support and wish you a healthy mind and spirit.